The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles
by Dominus Princeps
Summary: Honored Prophets. I, Kiya'Gradolee, humbly submit my research journal on Human military training for your review. May the Sacred Journey save us all.
1. Day One

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

Disclaimer: I only own my own mind, and that's slipping away quite quickly.

ooo

**Day One: Military Training Devices Part One**

My squad and I stumbled upon a Human storage facility for strange, semi-archaic mechanisms apparently used by Humans to hone their battle skills. We tested them out and found them to be quite entertaining, but also very useful. They were in a building labeled "Arcade". That must be a Human acronym for something relating to military prowess. Several of them, such as "San Francisco Rush" and "Burnout 3", appear to be training for driving vehicles, while others, such as "Deer Hunter '03" and "Time Crisis", are apparently used for combat simulations. The Humans are far more advanced and devious than we previously thought. These combat sims are apparently over five hundred human annual units old, yet are quite appropriate for fighting. The Humans must have been planning for a time like this. Their "Arcade" holds many such devices. There are also "Flight Simulators" which are used as training for aerial combat and dropship flying. The research continues on the practical application of these Human mechanisms, and several platoons of the Covenant Brotherhood have already touched down and begun their journey into this hidden world of Human training simulations. Indeed, the collection of sims is quite diverse.

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual Recording**XXX

"As you can see, this machine is very intricate. There are several 'joysticks' and a number of buttons. They are all essential for the full experience of this melee combat interactive video instruction, which the Humans nicknamed 'Street Fighter'", the deep voice of the white SpecOps leader boomed. He moved over a couple paces, where a pair of Grunts was playing Dance Dance Revolution.

"And this odd-looking device is actually an exercise machine and a battlefield reflex trainer. Tried and true, there are many who step off this device very tired from a hard training session", the Elite's voice recording noted. The camera panned over to an Elite playing "Deer Hunter '03".

"This sim is, apparently, a, interactive training program used to instruct Humans on how to use their 'Shotgun' weapon. It requires a very skilled Sangheili to fire, and this program teaches well", the white Elite commented, clapping his hand on the other Elite's shoulder. The Elite playing the game roared in distaste.

"Be killed, you immoral beast of burden! Let the holy light of the sacred rings strike you down!" he growled. The camera moved on.

"Here we have discovered a machine that tests for accurate rolling of the Human 'fragmentation grenade'", the SpecOps leader spoke, pointing to a Skee-ball game. A few Elites were rolling the hefty balls up the ramp, shouting their cryptic curses when they missed.

"Also, there is a device we believe the Humans use to accurately aim their grenades when they are throwing them. Here it is", the Elite remarked, pointing to a basketball hoop. A Grunt and two Jackals were attempting to make shots by throwing them overhand, but then a Grunt dribbled a ball twice, stood up, and made a perfect foul shot. The ball swished in. The other Covenant were impressed.

"This little Grunt has shown us a new way to throw grenades in battle. By putting spin on them, we may increase distance, and by using our off hands to hold the grenade while throwing, we can hone our accuracy. We have already tested it in battle, but the Humans mocked us, yelling something about 'basketball'", the Elite said.

"Also, there is an ingenious system the Humans devised called 'High Score'. This 'High Score' is used to show who the best in a certain field is. The one who earns the most of a certain unit, called 'Points', is labeled as 'First'. He may then input a three-digit code that designates who he is and shows that he is the best. Currently, all of the high ranking Covenant soldiers are being issued a three-digit code to correspond with these training simulations", the Elite remarked. He moved on to a racing game.

"These machines are, apparently, simulations for driving vehicles very similar to our Ghosts. If there is another person in the seat next to yours, you may race one another. These machines are a very useful section of simulations, as they test not only driving ability, but also the ability to make split-second decisions and calculation on speed-reducing paths, known as 'shortcuts'. Here, I shall give a demonstration. Arbiter!" the SpecOps leader said. The Arbiter ambled over.

"Yes, 'Gradolee?" the Arbiter replied. The white Elite opened his top two mandibles, and expression similar to the human grin.

"I wish to race", was his simple reply.

"Prepare to lose, for I am the champion", the Arbiter "grinned", his top mandibles wiggling slightly as they opened.

"I believe it is you who will lose, Grunt", the white Elite chuckled. The roar of the engines of the cars in the game was very loud; apparently, the Covenant had figured out how to turn up the volume. The Arbiter and the SpecOps leader revved their engines, then blasted off from the starting line.

"Now, these Human vehicles are very peculiar. They have a device called a 'stickshift' which is a speed-boosting mechanism that, in general, has six 'gears' in a sequence. One can only 'shift' in numerical order or else the vehicle will 'stall' or 'catch fire'. An interesting thing, indeed", the white Elite noted as he raced the Arbiter. A horn blared, and the Arbiter laughed mockingly.

"I win...as always, 'Gradolee", he said. The other Elite grumbled, but shook his head.

"Now is not the time to be angry. Good race, Arbiter. I hope that the Prophets will sponsor the making of more of these 'Arcade Games'. Kiya'Gradolee out", the SpecOps leader said.

XXX**End Day One**XXX


	2. Day Two

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

_Thanks for the reviews—I really appreciate it. Oh, and, to the people who have called the Covenant stupid: They're not stupid, they've just never seen stuff like this and think that it's a military training...well, yeah, they are stupid._

ooo

**Day Two: Military Training Devices Part Two**

As we delved deeper into the fiercely competitive Human military sims, we found numerous simulations designed for usage in the dank, cramped dwellings these Humans call "houses". These simulations are activated using various computer systems referred to by strange names. There is the (translated by essential meaning) "Human Sporting Event for Fun Multi-sided Three Dimensional Prizm", or, literally translated (and this name makes no sense to me) "GameCube", the "Frolic Place of Deployment the Second", or (yet again, nonsensical) "PlayStation 2", and the "Crossed Container of Various Things", or (once more, ridiculously translated) "Xbox". These simulations are called "video games" by the fledgling humans. The Humans are far more insidious than they appear. They make their weapons of war seem like games and fun to their young...this will make the offspring violent and vicious. We underestimated the Humans in tactical thinking and on the home front. Our strategy should be rethought as we research their culture more.

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual Recording**XXX

"As you can see, this device is another ingenious plot to strengthen the Human military. This current 'video game' is titled 'Ruler of the Dominant Ancient Middle Eastern Kingdom of Earth: The Penultimate Fighter Residing Inside', or, if you prefer, 'Prince of Persia: Warrior Within'. This game illustrates a young Human battler escaping from a large, Lekgolo-like monster called the 'Daah-haa-kaa'. It also shows the sinister Human plot at an attempt to master the ability to warp time. Dangerous indeed", the SpecOps Elite rumbled, shaking his fist at the screen where Prince was running along a wall as the Dahaka's tentacles shot out of the wall. The Arbiter was in deep concentration as he ran from the evil black beast, and the white Elite sighed.

"These so-called 'games' even suck our own troops out of reality. Here is a sample, and yet another awaits us", he commented. The Elite motioned to a pair of Grunts playing Super Smash Brothers: Melee.

"These two Unggoy are currently immersed in a game about uber-powerful destruction siblings. They select their representative and then battle, using strange battle techniques and odd weapons. However, this game is dark to the bone, showing samples of Human terrain as a familiar reference point for the Human youth. Indeed, it is the epitome of-" the SpecOps leader began, clenching his fist.

"My large, fire-breathing, shield-less Lekgolo crush your petite, woman Demon clone!" the blue-armored Grunt giggled.

"Me no care! You step on bomb and die!" the other one in red armor cackled, double- then triple-jumping back to the stage in Hyrule Temple. The first Grunt gibbered in anger, shaking his arms.

"As you can see, this device even causes antipathy and anger among friends. But, it becomes worse. Some games, such as 'Occupier of a Space Corruption the Fourth', or rather 'Resident Evil 4', demonstrate ways to destroy the sinister Flood to fledgling Humans. This plot unravels into frightening twists as we find new 'video games'", the SpecOps Elite sighed. He walked on to show a Brute playing Donkey Konga.

"Now, here is an intriguing Human training sim called 'Beast of Burden Misspelled Name for a Form of Dance Involving Drum Beats'. This game demonstrates a machine the Humans are developing to use as a mind-control device on our Jiralhanae forces. Through a strange concept, it is insidious and ominous, showing the deviousness of our Human foes. If they can control our Jiralhanae, how long will it be before the Unggoy, Kig-yar, Yanme'e, and Lekgolo...maybe even the Sangheili become mindless pawns of the Humans in their destructive march to the dissolution of the Covenant! These dirty, scum-sucking Humans are devils to the core and are on par with the parasitic Flood! They deserve no less than the havoc we wreak upon their pathetic planet! We shall crush them as dust underneath our boots, and scrape them as excrement from our feet! ...but I digress", Kiya'Gradolee roared. He moved further into the bombed out apartment complex, chock-full of Covenant playing video games.

"Ah, yes, here is my next subject: the 'Entertainment Form Young Male Human Fledgling', or, literally translated, 'GameBoy'. This sinister 'console' is a portable military training sim, with 'cartridges' that hold different programs. However, each one has the same basic principle: Teach the offspring how to kill effectively", the white SpecOps leader growled. The camera peered over the shoulder of a Jackal who was spaced out playing Tetris.

"This sim teaches logic and programming tactics. It seems so simple, even a Kig-yar such as this one can learn. See how it mimics the way that we program our AI and shields? Each block fits into a certain place, forming a wall that, when a straight line is formed, is destroyed. You 'finish the level' when all the blocks are gone, just like the program for our AI is complete when all the barriers are destroyed. It seems the Humans know more about us than we originally speculated", the Elite noted.

"And this 'game' is called 'Sparkling Metallic Orange-Yellow Transition Metal Globe of Gas that, through Nuclear Fusion, Produces Its Own Heat and Light: The Time That Has Been Forgotten', or, as some insist on calling it, 'Golden Sun: The Lost Age'. Either way, it is an interesting idea. Human forces, through holy powers, fight honorably in turns. Each combatant waits for the holy Prophets to bless him, and, when he has received permission, he attacks his infidel foe, striking him utterly from the face of the planet. Indeed, it appears the Humans have some idea of how combat should be. Alas, when in larger groups, they prefer to fight their own way. But, that is not the point", the Elite commented. He turned to face the camera.

"The point is that the Humans are hatching a violent and demonic plan to train their young into seasoned killers, built to destroy Covenant! They will strike back at our seemingly invulnerable offensive! Even now, they seek to pollute their children's minds with heresy and evil!" the SpecOps leader snarled. An Elite in black armor strode up to him.

"Honored Leader in our Holy Conquest. We have found a Human 'game' that may be of interest", the Elite bowed, handing 'Gradolee a copy of Halo 2.

"'Sacred Rings the Second'. Mockery! This is pure heresy and blasphemy! More evidence of the plan to wipe the Covenant out of the universe! Surely, this 'game' has nothing to do with combat and everything to do with propaganda! It will be of no use to our men, as it will not hone their skills at anything! Burn it! Strike it from the records! On this, I rest my case", the SpecOps Elite screamed, hurling the game against the ground.

"Kiya'Gradolee, out."

XXX**End Day Two**XXX


	3. Day Three

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

ooo

**Day Three: Historically Inaccurate Entertainment Motion Screens**

The Humans amaze us with more abstract, useless yet unbelievable works of technological masterpiece. We are currently studying a human form of entertainment called "motionies". Or "movies". My translation device does not always give the most plausible translation. At any rate, these "motionies" are bizarre, self-contained stories involving very strange concepts and, as they call them, "beyond physical capability of the _Homo Sapiens_" or, I suppose, "super-human" acts which generally involve flames, explosions, primitive metal projectiles, and an agile and quick Human vehicle called a "sporting car". Oftentimes, they also show the weird and disgusting Human ritual called "courting" or "falling in love". Human "Romance Motionies" occasionally show the mating process, but usually show two Humans going through ridiculous lengths in order to become a "commodity". Or maybe the word was "item". I can't remember, but I daresay most of these "motionies" are strange and rooted in no fact. They rarely show genocidal campaigns (such as our Holy Conquest), have no mention of the Sacred Rings (**_HERETICS!_**), and don't have anything to do with space travel or production of weaponry. In short, they are hopelessly useless. However, the Humans do have an interesting system for the viewing of these "motionies". Allow me to show you.

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual Recording**XXX

The camera buzzed, then came on. The SpecOps leader was standing with a bowl of popcorn tucked under his arm, talking with an annoyed Grunt.

"Now, listen here, you short, idiotic little—oh, right. These 'motionies', if you'll permit the slang, are divided into several categories depending on content. The first, 'Jee', is meant for all annual unit age groups of Humans. The second, 'Pee-Jee' signifies that fledgling Humans should probably be left with an 'infant-crusher by means of the buttocks'. Wait, maybe that was 'baby-sitter'..." the white Elite began. He clicked his lower two mandibles, equivalent to a shrug.

"Well, anyway, the third is 'Pee-Jee-Thurt-Teen', which alerts the parents should greatly consider the content shown on these 'motionies'. Fourth, and, oddly, quite common, is 'Ahrr'. This 'Ahrr' denotes to the Human maternal or paternal figure that this 'motionie' is too advanced for the growing intellect of the young fledgling, thus, it should be left with an infant-crusher by means of the buttocks", the SpecOps leader explained. He sighed.

"My apologies. I have become sidetracked. We will view a movie called 'Terminator 3'. Here, it is about to begin", the Elite said. The camera followed him as he walked into the movie theater.

"The Humans display their 'motionies' on a strange device called a 'Proh-jik-tehrr'. This machine makes the 'motionie' appear on a gigantic screen by means of light particles that are directed through a lens. Oh, we must quiet down so the 'motionie' can be heard", the SpecOps leader shushed. He sat in a seat, though was a bit uncomfortable, as the seat was not made for his body shape. The camera panned up to show the movie screen.

"Ah, the movie begins. This warrior carries interesting weapons, to be sure. Look at how he fights! Intriguing, even for a Human warrior such as he", the SpecOps leader commented, munching on popcorn.

"Oh, I almost forgot. This strange consumable, known as 'popped corn', is buttered and heated, so that it explodes violently into a soft, delicious treat. I suggest we research this 'popped corn' for our own use as a morale booster in our ranks", he noted. Loud explosions and the sound of bullets firing caused shrieking and shuddering throughout the Covenant gathered in the theatre.

"Hush your whimpering! There is no real Human threat!" Kiya'Gradolee growled. The whines and shaking died down. The white Elite gasped.

"No...no...they called this Human a...a 'siebohrg'! Is it possible...? The Humans...they are making more of these specialized warriors, the 'Spahrrtenz'...if so, this spells very bad news for our brothers. No, they cannot be! More of the Demon! Disastrous! This must be halted now! This plan could be the ruination of our society, and could verily end our quest to the Sacred Journey! It is completely necessary that we increase our offensive on the Humans so that any ideas they may have on the creation of more Demons can be ended! We could stop this-", the SpecOps leader started.

"Quiet! We are attempting to enjoy this 'motionie'!" the Arbiter snarled, shaking a Carbine at Kiya'Gradolee. The white Elite grumbled, but said nothing more.

"This 'motionie' tires me. Here, I shall show you another", the SpecOps leader remarked. He got up out of his seat and exited the theater with the tub of popcorn under his arm.

"Oh, here is something the Humans call 'comedy'. Their jokes are not humorous at all. In fact, some are offensive to the Covenant brotherhood. They involve violent tendencies and strange bodily functions, or at least most of them do", Kiya noted, walking into a theater showing "Mr. Deeds".

"See? This Human becomes inebriated and hurls the embryo of one of the animals he raises on a farm. Passing vehicles are damaged and ruined. These Humans are sick to the core. Ah, my diary is running low on battery. I must end it here; however, I assure you, my next data sending will be copious", the white Elite commented.

"Kiya'Gradolee out."

XXX**End Day Three**XXX


	4. Day Four

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

**Chapter Four: Military Training Devices Part Three-The Warehouse**

Our horror surmounts as our investigations continue. The Humans have so many ways to taint their offspring's minds that my mind reels. During a patrol, I and my squad stumbled upon a place called "Toizz-Ahrr-Uhsss", a warehouse for things that corrupt young Humans' minds. While searching the installation, we unearthed a peculiar thing called "ack-shun fig-yerzz". These small and seemingly harmless representations of various Humans are made out of some synthetic material called "plahzz-stick". Anyway, these "fig-yerzz" have joints, allowing them to move in life-like motions and resemble Humans or other things. Indeed, these "fig-yerzz" warp the young Human minds into believing they can fight like these "fig-yerzz". However, my words cannot describe these transgressions. I should rather like to show you.

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual Recording**XXX

"Brother, is the camera on? Oh, it is?" Kiya'Gradolee asked. He turned to face the camera.

"Honored Prophets. This small device is what I have found is called an 'ack-shun fig-yerr'", the white Elite noted, holding a Power Ranger action figure. He twisted its limbs and turned its head about.

"See? The Humans mean to mimic the way that their kind moves. Also, some of these 'fig-yerzz' come with attachments or strange weapons. This is to pollute the fledglings' minds into thinking they, too, can fight with weaponry and technique beyond belief", the SpecOps leader commented. He walked along further down the aisle of the store and pulled a packaged Darth Vader action figure off a shelf.

"This creature is called 'Dahrth Vey-durr'. We suspect he is supposed to be a twisting of our Sangheili brethren. Indeed, Human fledglings are taught to fear him. And, see his weapon? A corruption of the sacred tool of our kind, the Energy Sword", Kiya said. He moved on.

"Some of these 'fig-yerzz' have internally recorded audio tapes. Here, allow me to demonstrate", the white Elite noted. He tore Teen Titans figure off the shelf and ripped its packaging off. He squeezed it several times before finding its button.

"Titans, _go!_" Robin's voice sounded. 'Gradolee dropped the toy, hissing.

"This horror of horrors. Perchance, these 'Tyy-tehnzz' are the same as the 'Spahr-tehnzz'. If so, these 'fig-yerzz' are familiarizing the Human fledglings with the 'Spahr-tehnzz'. That will mean the young ones may even want to become a 'Spahr-tehn'. This could mean that the next force of Demons will be gigantic, maybe even too much for our forces to destroy. Indeed, this is only one of many of the terrifying facets of Human culture", the white Elite noted. He walked further on and froze. A Grunt and the Arbiter were playing with Legos.

"Ah, yes, the 'Limb Attached to the Foot Used for Walking-os'. Interesting and quirky objects they are. They have strange, round parts on top and holes on the bottom. The design allows them to be constructed into various shapes and buildings. Surely, this is yet another Human plot!" the SpecOps leader roared. The Arbiter gave him a skeptical glance, but said nothing.

"These Humans will teach their children how to build machines of war using these 'Limb Attached to the Foot Used for Walking-os'! Then, the offspring will be more disposed to creating these weapons and shall become ruthless killers and engineers!" Kiya shouted. The Arbiter and the Grunt had just finished building a Phantom dropship out of Legos and the Arbiter pretended to fly it around using his hand. The SpecOps leader snatched the Lego out of his hand and dashed it to the ground.

"Do not fall into their trap, Arbiter! It shall corrupt your mind and make you into a monster!" he growled. The Arbiter drew an Energy Sword.

"Mahmep and I spent twoHuman hoursbuilding this, and you destroy it as if it were nothing? Have you no respect for works of art?" the Arbiter snarled. Kiya'Gradolee replied by drawing his own Sword.

"I do not wish to fight, Arbiter, but-" he began. They heard yells and roars from a few aisles over. The Arbiter and the SpecOps leader rushed over to see what the commotion was, and the camera shook a little from the running of the cameraman. They came around the bend to see a pair of Elites growling and shouting curses while playing Rock'em Sock'em Robots. The Arbiter chuckled, but Kiya began to get angry.

"You slime! What are you doing? This Human nonsense! It is...wait, what is...?" he started. The white Elite examined the Robots more closely.

"'Large Naturally Forming Condensed Mineral Formation Third Person Plural Direct Object Form of a Personal Pronoun Piece of Clothing Worn on the Foot Third Person Plural Direct Object Form of a Personal Pronoun Mechanical Humanoid Structures'? Preposterous! Yet, what if the Humans are making devices like these? They would be greatly superior to any weaponry we possess! Even our Fuel Rod Cannons would not hinder these machines, if they are large enough. These prototypes the Humans are testing on their young are frightening. If they are ever mass-produced, then the Covenant as we know it will be finished!" he gasped. Pressing the button that made the Robots punch, the SpecOps leader tilted his head as he hit the other Robot in the chin and made his head pop up.

"Interesting...these machines have a weak point in their chins...no doubt the Humans are perfecting that flaw at this very moment, waiting for us to make a mistake. Then, they shall unleash their forces and destroy the foundation of our culture! Surely, the Prophets must be warned! These Humans are unworthy even of public humiliation of our Covenant! May we crush them before they ever release these horrors!" Kiya'Gradolee snarled, pounding his fist into his palm.

"'Gradolee, be clear-minded. These Human objects are merely toys, and-" the Arbiter started.

"**_Heretic!_** I thought you, the Arbiter, would be the most truthful here, yet look at your pathetic views! You enjoyed the Human 'motionies' and play with their weapons of war! The High Council shall punish you if they hear of this! Speak softly, and do not preach these views, lest you receive worse punishment than you already have!" the white Elite roared. The Arbiter rolled his eyes and walked off.

"See how these Human objects corrupt even our finest soldiers? They must be quarantined and studied in controlled environments, lest they take over our entire society. Ah, my time runs short", he said.

"Kiya'Gradolee out."

XXX**End Day Four**XXX


	5. Bonus Chapter

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Video Excerpts from Kiya'Gradolee's secret Spy Camera

Hacked, Stolen, Translated, and "Edited" by Bass GSX

_Sorry I took so long to update, but, as a gift, welcome to the Bonus Chapter! Every fifth chapter will be something I, er, "borrowed" from Mr. Gradolee's Spy Camera records. Have fun!_

**Bonus Chapter: Online Gameplay**

The Arbiter walked into a room arm-in-arm with a pink-armored Elite. The Hunter waiting there grunted at the pair.

"Oh, this girl? She's my ladyfriend, Shelley", the Arbiter replied to the Hunter's grunt. The Hunter cocked its armored head.

"Hurglnobgitwaghikbyto?" the Hunter inquired.

"Well, she has a thing for Human names. Don't ask me", Arbiter remarked.

"Oh, hush, 'Fulsamee", Shelley said playfully. The pair sat down on a sofa next to the Hunter. A trio of Grunts closed, locked, and barricaded the door. Facing the sofa was a huge TV. Lying next to it was an Xbox, along with three controllers. Two of the controllers were the small kind, and fit nicely in the Arbiter's and Shelley's hands. The other was the large, klunky Xbox controller, which rested comfortably in the Hunter's hands, Fuel Rod Cannon and shield removed. They fired up the Xbox and selected "Xbox Live" when the Halo 2 title screen appeared.

"You do know how to play, correct?" the Arbiter asked the Hunter.

"Cibuknitwahookgopnikah! Trikewwtyfewegirk!" the large beast replied.

"Alright, just making sure. I don't want to lose", the Arbiter said. Shelley almost shook with anticipation.

"I wonder who we will play", she giggled. The Arbiter had already signed on as "BruteSlaya", and Shelley soon followed as "BruteSlaya'sGirl". The Hunter picked his profile as "Grithnabojyuk". They awaited the opposing clan to sign on. The clan that the Covenant trio belonged to was one of their own making, called "The Clan of Abstract Retribution". The clan that had challenged them the previous day was called "KILLALLCOVENANTNOW". It sounded slightly ominous to the three members of "The Clan of Abstract Retribution", but they dismissed it as merely the representation of certain beliefs. Little did they know the trouble they were getting themselves into...

ooo

"Let's log on! Them Covenant commies ain't gonna know what hit 'em!" Sergeant Major Avery Johnson's voice rattled the pictures in the small room. The Master Chief grunted his approval and logged on; his profile was "TheLastoftheSpartans". Johnson's was "Sergeant Cigar". Miranda Keyes ran in, out of breath.

"Sorry. Had some stupid military crap. So, have they logged on yet?" Miranda asked, logging on as "InAmberClad".

"Looks like it. Here we go, so get ready!" Johnson barked. Loading up a Slayer game variant, he waited for the clan called "The Clan of Abstract Retribution" to join their game.

ooo

"Ah, our opponents have joined the battle room. Let us accept their challenge", the Arbiter grinned. They joined the game and waited. "Waiting for everyone to load the map..." read at the top of the screen. Soon enough, a picture of a calm, sunny valley appeared on their widescreen plasma (they had picked it for the name) TV: Coagulation. The game variant was "SupaSlaya2", which featured all Covenant weaponry and vehicles. The Arbiter checked his armament. Two plasma grenades, a Carbine, and a Plasma Rifle.

"Come, we must engage in combat with this clan and show them who the true champions are at fighting!" the Arbiter warbled. Shelley and the Hunter nodded and ran alongside him. They piled into the Spectre, with the Arbiter driving, Shelley in the gunner's seat, and the Hunter's character sitting on one of the side seats with a Particle Beam Rifle he had picked up on their way. The Arbiter pulled the right trigger on his controller, boosting the Spectre away from the Blue Base. They were met with two Ghosts and a Banshee.

"Feel our power!" the Arbiter growled, setting himself on a collision course with one of the Ghosts. Its pilot was of the "Spartan" player model, and his colors were a drab military green. The color struck sudden fear in the Arbiter, yet he did not stop the Spectre. Shelley opened up on the Banshee, while the Hunter struggled for a head-shot on the green pilot of the Ghost. The other Ghost, whose pilot was also "Spartan" and had the coloration of deep crimson, sent waves of plasma at the large and bulky Spectre. The Banshee looped out of the way of the stream of shots from the Spectre's cannon and returned fire, strafing the squat, pinkish vehicle. Sensing that the skirmish couldn't be won yet, the Arbiter drove away, dodging plasma and seeking cover for his wounded Spectre behind the ubiquitous hills of Coagulation.

ooo

"These Covies ain't so bad", Johnson chuckled, his red Spartan boosting over a hill in search of the Spectre. He and the Master Chief, who was the green Spartan, found the Spectre abandoned, its crew nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, the Master Chief's screen flashed and he was startled to see that his shield bar was blinking blue and red. A purple beam whizzed by his head, and he realized why his shields were out. Someone had almost gotten a head-shot. The Chief searched for the beam's source, but apparently the sniper had decided to change position. A hum alerted the Spartan that his shields were charging. Master Chief boosted his Ghost towards the beam's source. He saw something dart behind the rock near the cave entrance and the Spartan playing as a Spartan hopped off the Ghost, Carbine at the ready. A blue Covenant Elite player model holding a sniper rifle charged out from behind the rock. Master Chief trained the reticule on his foe's head and began to fire. The enemy's name was Grithnabojyuk. The foe's shields dropped, and one final head-shot finished the Elite. John-117 had spent half a clip of the Carbine trying to kill the opposing player, and pressed X, ejecting the half-empty, round thingy that held the ammo on the Carbine. His character loaded another thingy into the Carbine.

ooo

"Of all the cursed beasts we had to challenge! How could that one have dropped our Hunter ally friend so easily?" the Arbiter growled. Shelly shrugged.

"Well, we must fight doubly hard now!" she replied.

"What's the score we must achieve?" the Arbiter inquired.

"I believe it is fifteen kills", Shelley informed him. The Arbiter snarled again.

"Well, let us press the attack!" he rumbled, picking up ammunition for his Carbine before hopping into a Ghost. He boosted the vehicle towards the center of Coagulation to find Shelley's character battling with a red Spartan model. The red Spartan didn't expect the Ghost and was run over.

"How do you like that, foolish being?" the Arbiter laughed.

ooo

"Damn them Covies!" Johnson roared as his character was splattered by "BruteSlaya". Miranda, however, avenged him by sticking "BruteSlaya" with a plasma grenade. He exploded in neon blue light. Their score read "2" now. The enemy had "1".

ooo

Fifteen minutes later it was wire to wire. The score was 14 to 14 and everyone was gearing up for one last firefight.

"Alright, you two, I don't want any mistakes. We can't lose to the Covies, not when we're on equal ground", Master Chief said. They all piled into the Spectre. Johnson had a Beam Rifle, Miranda had a Brute Shot, and the Chief had a Carbine. The Chief drove, while Johnson was gunner and Miranda sat on one of the side seats. Master Chief boosted the Spectre, and they headed for the Blue Base where the other Clan was regrouping.

ooo

"This is a matter of sacred honor! These imbeciles cannot be allowed to win! We shall meet them in combat on the Spectre!" the Arbiter growled. He got into the driver's seat. Shelley was gunner and the Hunter, armed with an Energy Sword, nabbed the side seat. They sped for the Red Base, where the other Clan was camped out.

ooo

The two Spectres met in the center of the map, and a vicious battle began. The plasma cannons on the two Spectres tore at their opposing vehicle, dropping everyone's shields. Miranda's Brute Shot flipped the other Spectre, allowing the Chief a little respite from the fire he was taking. The Elite named "BruteSlaya'sGirl" opened fire with dual Needlers, but the spiny projectiles bounced off the front of the Spectre speeding for her. She dropped a Needler and hurled a plasma grenade. The grenade stuck on the unmanned wing of the vehicle, and the Spartan models leapt from the doomed vehicle. It exploded and gave them some cover from the enemy, whose fire rocked the pieces of the destroyed Spectre. Johnson's shields were down and so were Miranda's, so Master Chief sprang up every now and then to throw a grenade for their cover. Their shields regenerated, and they fired at the enemy once more. Suddenly, the Chief saw the blue Elite, named Grithnabojyuk, with an Energy Sword jump over a rock and begin to run for him. Smiling, John-117 backed up, seeming to be afraid. Still the Elite charged. Master Chief gave ground so the Elite would become confident in his kill. At the last second, the Spartan pulled out his own Energy Sword and jumped the foe's lunge, performing the aerial lunge.

"**Game Over**", said that announcer guy.

ooo

"Impossible...who are these warriors...?" the Arbiter gasped. The Hunter wailed in anguish. Shelley put an arm around the Arbiter.

"I guess there is always a next time, eh, 'Fulsamee?" she said softly. They stroked each other's faces with their mandibles.

"Oh, get a room!" a Grunt grumbled. Suddenly there was banging on the door.

ooo

"Whooooo! We beat them suckas good!" Johnson whooped. Miranda laughed, letting the tension and adrenaline go. The Chief nodded.

"They were pretty good", he noted.

"Yeah but we was better!" Johnson grinned.

"Well, at least we know who'd win on equal footing, eh?" Miranda chuckled. They all nodded.

ooo

"Open this door, Arbiter! I demand that you open this door!" Kiya'Gradolee roared, pounding so hard that the hinges began to break. Suddenly, the banging stopped.

"Well, that was close", the Arbiter sighed. What he didn't notice was that 'Gradolee slid upside down on a line, with those funky green Sam Fischer goggles on.

"Disobey my orders, will they? Heretics! They deserve whatever they get!" he growled. The SpecOps Leader pulled out the sweet-ass silenced assault rifle from Splinter Cell.

"Playtime is over", he grinned. He pulled the trigger and-**_WARNING! HACKING PROGRAM (BassGSX'shackingprogram.EXE) HAS BEEN TRACED BY COVENANT ANTI-VIRUS SOFTWARE (Thornton Anti-Virus.EXE)! DELETION IMMEN--Audio/Video Beginning to break down..._**

**FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...**

_**End Video Recording**_


	6. Day Six

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

A.N. In the way of a P.S.A, I am changing my pen name to Dominus Princeps, just so you know. Don't come looking for Bass GSX anymore.

_Terribly sorry about the long update. Lotta stuff goin' on in my life right now—girlfriend, summer, girlfriend, Halo 2, girlfriend, Republic Commando, girlfriend...right, on with it!_

**Day Six: Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episodes I, II, and III**

Honored Prophets. There is a certain type of motionie the Humans call Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles. This is apparently a series of motionies, each slightly related to the next but somehow different as well. The main idea of the motionies is that lasers and things are very interesting, especially when used on others. The story also revolves around some corruption of the sacred Energy Sword, called a "saber of light". Anyway, this series, Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles, has six motionies under its name and countless "video games" and "buhks", which are hard, square things with ink printed on their soft and fragile "pages". Anyway, we shall view the first three of these motionies.

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual Recording**XXX

The white Elite waved at the camera.

"Are we live, brother? Ah, I see. We currently have captured three of these motionies and are well on our way to the next three. Nevertheless, we are about to review these three motionies. Come, let us view them", the SpecOps leader said. He walked up to the movie theatre and stopped.

"Oop. I almost forgot. We have researched how the Humans view this motionie series and have decided to dress as they do when watching", Kiya'Gradolee said. He pulled on a black helmet and cape, then put on black armor and activated a red Energy Sword.

"I am the one called 'Darhth Vey-durr'", the white Elite grinned. The camera panned over to show the Arbiter dressed as Luke Skywalker, with a blue Energy Sword to boot. A couple Grunts were in Jawa, Ewok, and R2-D2 costumes, and a Hunter was covered in Brute fur, and appeared to be a Wookiee. 'Gradolee walked over to the snack counter and pulled out a card. He began to read off of it.

"Hello. I would...like a large...bucket of popped...corn", the white Elite said in halted and heavily accented Standard.

"You mean 'popcorn'", the movie worker corrected.

"Do...you take...Visa?" 'Gradolee continued, ignoring the human.

"Yeah, whatever. You want butter?" the teenager asked. Kiya looked at him with a gaze of utter confusion.

"I said, do you want butter?"

"Do you...take Visa?"

"Look, buddy, it's a yes or no question. Do you want butter?" the human asked, annoyed.

"_Curse it all, do you take Visa?_" the SpecOps Leader roared, slashing the cash register in half with his Energy Sword.

"Oh, shit, just take the popcorn!" the kid wailed frantically. He walked into the movie theatre and sat in a chair with a MEGA-BUCKET of popcorn in his lap. A little ways behind him, the Arbiter walked up to the singed counter.

"Hello. I would...like a large...bucket of popped...corn."

The screen darkened, then gigantic gold lettering appeared.

"Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episode One: The Ghostly Threat", Kiya'Gradolee read slowly.

"Hmmf. Interesting already", the Arbiter commented next to him, reading the gold text as it scrolled. His arm was around Shelley, and they shared a MEGAMEGA-BUCKET of popcorn.

"Hum...interesting. Jehh-dye...must be what makes their robes brown" Shelley remarked. Kiya and the Arbiter nodded sagely. Flashes of lasers being deflected by lightsabers caused the white-armored Elite to gasp.

"Amazing...a disruptive sword technology, not unlike our Energy Swords..." he whispered. Two droids rolled onscreen and began to fire at the two Jedi.

"Ah, here you can see advanced robotic technology. How interesting. I am sure the Jehh-dye can defeat this", Kiya noted.

"Wait—did they just say his name was 'Obi-Wan Kenobi'?" the Arbiter asked Shelley.

"I believe so. Why?" she replied.

"I have been brushing up on my Forerunner language—Obi-Wan Kenobi is Forerunner for 'Fluttering pizza was house the bricking'", the Arbiter said. 'Gradolee stared at him.

"The Forerunner proverbs are too complex for simple warriors such as us to understand" the SpecOps Leader remarked reverently. They turned back to their movie, riveted by the flashing images.

"Hmm...Nahh-buuu...strange name for a planet, but then again, there is someone in this motionie named Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking", the Arbiter noted. They watched in amazement as a huge droid army unloaded on the planet Nahh-buuu.

"Hum. This Guhn-Gahn is a very strange creature. Clumsy, annoying...wait, I see the resemblance! **_HERETIC! ALL GUHN-GAHNS MUST DIE!_**" Kiya'Gradolee roared, aiming his Plasma Rifle at the screen.

"Holy light!" he yelled as he primed a Plasma Grenade and nearly threw it.

"Hold your fire, _hold your fire!_ He is using a motionie projector", the Arbiter said in a soothing tone.

"I suppose you're right. But what am I going to do with this primed grenade?"

"_Throw it! By the Sacred Rings, throw the accursed thing!_" the silver-armored Elite cried. An usher who was walking up to them suddenly found a bright blue thing attached to his chest.

"What the hell's this?" he screamed. His buddy looked at it.

"I dunno. It's blue and bright", his friend replied.

"Is it a spider?"

"I dunno."

"Well, get it off of-"

**BOOM.**

ooo

"This next one is referred to as 'Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episode Two: Offensive of the Genetically Created Identical Beings", Kiya'Gradolee noted as the gold lettering appeared on the screen.

"How interesting. I hear familiar names. 'Anakin Skywalker' and 'Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking'. I had heard that these movies were all related..." Shelley commented. The Arbiter nodded sagely and continued to watch the movie. Kiya stiffened as another familiar character came on-screen.

"It is the Prophet-forsaken Guhn-Gahn...! Must...restrain...bloodlust..." he hissed, taking deep breaths. The Arbiter patted him on the shoulder.

"Ooh. How interesting! Look at their flying vehicles! They seem quite different from our Banshees and Phantoms!" 'Gradolee noted, pointing out hovercrafts whilst Obi-Wan and Anakin chased Zam Wessel.

"Hey, buddy. How about some deathsticks?" said a character on screen.

"You don't want to sell me deathsticks", Kenobi commanded calmly.

"I...don't want to sell you deathsticks", the character replied.

"What is this strange power?" the Arbiter gasped.

"I believe it is something that these Jehh-dye call 'The Fourzz'..." Shelley replied. The SpecOps Leader nodded in assent.

"I have heard that term in these past two movies before...usually they say, 'May the Fourzz be with you'", he commented.

"Hum. How strange. This appears to be a romance motionie as well", the white Elite noted along with his previous comment. They watched Anakin and Padmé share their first kiss together.

"Disgusting! Is he eating her?" Shelley gaped.

"I believe this is how Humans show extreme affection", the Arbiter reassured.

"Indeed? How strange", 'Gradolee remarked, taking notes.

"What is going on? Is this...Geonosis! But how could the Humans know of the Yanme'e homeworld?" Shelley gasped. The Arbiter shrugged.

"These Humans are more clever than we originally thought. To know where the Drones come from..." he said. 'Gradolee continued to scribble on his notepad, gazing occasionally at the screen.

"And, of their gladiatorial arenas? 'Twould be nigh clairvoyance to know such a thing!" Shelley exclaimed again.

"These must be the 'Sabers of light' you were talking about, Kiya. How odd", the Arbiter remarked as Jedi beat back the droids and Geonosians.

"Eh? What was that?" the white Elite asked, startled. The Arbiter noted that he was playing Tic-Tac-Toe with himself on his "Research Pad", but decided not to comment.

"Clones! Strange indeed! Those ships seem to serve the same function as our Phantoms", 'Gradolee noted, continuing his scribbling.

"Oh, my! A fighting Grunt! Look at how he wields his saber of light!" Shelley said in wonder as Yoda dueled Count Dooku.

"If only _our_ Grunts were so powerful..." the Arbiter grumbled.

"Hey, shut up!" Yayap called, offended.

"Is that disrespect?"

"No, Excellency, it isn't, I swea-aaagh!"

ooo

"How strange. They do seem to all be connected. There again is 'Anakin', and 'Fluttering Pizza Was'", Kiya said, hearing the names of the two Jedi.

"And the droids, 'Ahrr-tu Dii-Tu' and 'Siii-Thrii-Pii-Ohh'", Shelley followed.

"But who is this 'Jin-ir-uhl Greev-ihs'?" Arbiter pondered.

"Ooh! This 'Greev-ihs' has _four_ sabers of light!" 'Gradolee gasped, clicking his mandibles in delight as Obi-Wan Kenobi valiantly battled Grievous. Then, he gasped.

"The Humans appear to be the dominant species here, especially in the Jehh-dye. What if this is a plot? If the Humans dominate the galaxy and become these 'Jehh-dye', then they will wipe the Covenant from space! Then we shall all be in peril! Those sabers of light seem to be even _more_ powerful than our Energy Swords! If the Humans already know how to make them, then we shall eventually be finished! The Covenant is _doomed!_ You damned, dirty apes, damn you!" 'Gradolee screamed, shaking his MEGA-bucket of popcorn everywhere.

"Calm down, Kiya. Calm down", the Arbiter soothed as popcorn bounced off his forehead. 'Gradolee took a deep breath.

"Ooh. What is this? The 'Clohhn Worez'. Wait—I read about this in a Human library. It was where citizens of the country called 'Yoo-Ehss-Ae' fought one another. Very bloody conflict. Occurred in our sixth Age of Reclamation", the white Elite commented.

"How odd. This must be a historical metaphor motionie then", Shelley remarked.

"There are Anakin Skywalker and Padmé. They are showing their affection once more", the Arbiter muttered as the pair kissed.

"I still think he's eating her..." Shelley snorted.

"The 'Jehh-dye Kown-suhl', eh? I wonder if that is like our own Council?" the SpecOps Leader noted.

"Probably nothing of the sort. Hum. It seems that Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking has been promoted to Council-member. There is that Lace Windows character, along with the fighting Grunt. Holograms...some members must be AI Jehh-dye. How peculiar", he continued.

"Now, this Pahl-pit-teen character...he looks...different from the other Humans", Shelley remarked.

"Yes...his hair is not a color we have seen. It is white, not brown, red, black, or blond", the Arbiter supplemented.

"You are both quite right. He must be a different species. See how he is also more frail, and has folded skin. He is most definitely a different species", the SpecOps leader agreed.

"But what shall we call him?" the Arbiter asked. 'Gradolee raised one of his center two fingers, his mandibles quivering as he thought of a name.

"We shall call it: 'Gii-zihr'!" he exclaimed. Shelley and the Arbiter nodded in assent.

"Look! The Clohhnz are attacking the Jehh-dye! How odd. They must be disagreeing over a religious sermon. I've seen this many a time", Kiya'Gradolee muttered.

"Hum? There is that 'Gii-zihr' again. He is talking about the Dahrrk Syyd of the Fourzz. What a strange concept. This 'Fourzz' has two sides!" the Arbiter commented.

"Like duct tape!" Shelley gasped. The two male Elites turned to stare at her.

"It's a Human commodity", she grumbled. They nodded sagely and turned back to watch the movie.

"Interesting. It seems that this 'Anakin Skywalker' has become the epitome of evil. I wonder why..." the white Elite noted.

"Maybe it is because he saw in a dream that his wife whom he loves very much would die, and then he believed that the power of the Dahrrk Syyd would allow him to save her, but instead it made him evil and corrupted all he believed in and destroyed his friendships and love", the Arbiter theorized. Shelley and Kiya'Gradolee stared at him for a few seconds, then burst out laughing.

"That is the most ridiculous speculation I have ever heard!" the white Elite chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Sorry, honey, but it does seem unlikely that this would happen", the pink Elite agreed. The Arbiter huffed and returned his attention to the movie.

"Look! The fighting Grunt is battling the 'Gii-zihr'! Though these 'Gii-zihr's appear frail, they seem to actually be quite adept at combat! Look at the pair fight!" 'Gradolee gasped.

"This Fourzz is very powerful. See, it can even make ekelitrisy!" the white Elite continued as Palpatine blasted Yoda with Force Lightning.

"...Or was that 'electricity'? My translator is not always accurate", he muttered.

"Ooh, watch! Anakin and Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking are fighting! Their saber of light arts are very interesting to see!" the Arbiter shook Kiya from his reverie.

"Disgusting. His limbs have all been severed. Is this some sort of training exercise? If I remember, Skywalker called House The Bricking 'master'", 'Gradolee remarked.

"Now the 'Gii-zihr gives him battle armor! How odd! Why not give him battle armor _before_ he is dismembered, so that that injury will not happen?" Shelley frowned.

"I don't know. Oh...they are already over. Well, Holy Prophets, this is all for today. As you see, these Humans have very fanciful ideas on how their space exploration will turn out. However, we must be on guard. As you have seen, these Humans know of some sort of weapon, the 'saber of light'. If they make this weapon, then the Covenant is as good as finished! We are _doomed! ALL DOOMED! _The Humans deserve no less than the, if you'll permit the slang, royal ass-whoopin' we are servin' them, _son!_ My transmission ends here."

"Kiya'Gradolee, out."


	7. Day Seven, End Week One

The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and Translated by Dominus Princeps

**Day Seven: A Research Expedition to More Recently Established York**

Honored Prophets. My studies have taken me to a more extreme measure of research. I have decided to infiltrate a Human city known as More Recently Established York. This city is bustling with activity, and is apparently a hub of commerce and social interactions. I shall bring Orna'Fulsamee and his mate, Shelley, with me. Do not worry for my safety; I shall be fine...I hope. We shall be taking a Human aerial transport to arrive there, called by the Humans a "Fair-stain."

XXX**End Written Section**XXX

XXX**Begin Audio-Visual**XXX

**Fssshhhh...**

"Hello, are we on?" Kiya'Gradolee's voice cut through the static. He, the Arbiter, and Shelley stood at Gate B 7.

"This is the Fair-Wort where the fair-stains take off. It is most primitive, and the places where one can relieve one's bodily urges smell very bad. Anyway, our fair-stain should be leaving in a couple minutes. We should get in line," he commented. They were all dressed in trenchcoats so as to not reveal the fact that they were aliens bent on crushing the Human race.

"Now boarding Flight 343 to New York from New Mombasa," a nasal voice said over the intercom.

"Who said that!" the white Elite whirled.

"Perhaps it is an intercom system," Shelley suggested.

"No. It is obviously a spirit from beyond the grave! Necromantic _heretics!_" Gradolee roared.

"Um...right. Where has Orna gone?" Shelley blinked at him.

"He is over at...'Kun-sezz-shuns'. Odd name for a snack bar," the SpecOps Leader noted. The Arbiter returned with a Snickers bar.

"_What do you think you're doing?_ You've jeopardized the entire mission! It could be a poisonous substance!" Gradolee screamed for the second time.

"It appears to be a sugary treat, Kiya. Calm your nerves," the Arbiter sighed through a mouthful of caramel and chocolate.

"Keyword: 'Appears'", Gradolee bit back.

"We should get in line for our Fair-stain," Shelley growled. They agreed and headed for the door to the long tunnel that led to the plane.

"Boarding passes please," said the kindly old man at the gate.

"Excuse me?" the white Elite asked.

"Boarding passes, please," the old man repeated slowly.

"One more time?" Gradolee said.

"I said, _boarding passes, PLEASE!_" the geezer yelled.

"_You will not speak to me in such a tone!_" Kiya'Gradolee bellowed, leveling a Carbine with the man's forehead.

"_Terrorist!_" the poor old man yelled, running around in small circles. Gradolee shoved the Carbine into the man's arms as the security closed in.

"He did it," the white Elite pointed.

"What? You saw that guy hand me that gun!" the old man cried.

"That's what they all say, shitface," the security guard growled.

"Hey! I know my rights!"

"Save it for Guantanamo, commie scum," the guard snarled. The SpecOps Leader grabbed the Arbiter and Shelley and the three of them rushed down onto the airplane.

**Break In Film...Fssshhhh...Signal Regained...**

"Ah, here at last!" Arbiter stretched as he walked outside of the airport. Shelley and Kiya'Gradolee yawned after the long flight.

"I believed that Human 'Bin-fright' motionie to be extremely poor in accuracy. Who ever heard of a non-Human race wanting to 'fohn-hoam'?" Gradolee mused. Shelley shrugged. The trio walked down the street. Suddenly, Shelley was yanked backwards into a dark alley.

"Hey, gimme all your money or the punk gets it," a growl came.

"What is this 'punk'?" Arbiter questioned.

"I am not sure," Kiya'Gradolee responded.

"I said, gimme all your money!" the voice insisted.

"Be wary! He has a primitive cutting implement!" Shelley said.

"'Be wary'? What is this you say?" the silver-armored Elite mocked.

"I forgot to charge my shield," the pink Elite sighed.

"Now gimme all your money!" the voice was suddenly revealed as a streetlamp fizzled to life, showing a burly man holding a knife to Shelley's throat. Then, the Arbiter and Kiya'Gradolee burst into raucous laughter.

"You, a mere Human, think to harm a sacred warrior? Your species is more devolved and deranged than we previously speculated!" Gradolee laughed.

"And, minus a primitive projectile weapon," Arbiter continued. The knife tightened against Shelley's throat.

"That does it! She's gonna-Aaah!" whatever was going to happen to her was never expressed as Shelley broke the man's wrist with a simple clenching of her fingers. The knife clattered to the ground. Shelley snatched the knife from the ground and broke it in her mandibles before flat-palming the man in the chest, knocking the wind from him and sending him rocketing back into a wall. The Arbiter activated his Energy Sword and the white Elite pulled out dual Plasma Rifles. The silver-armored Elite slashed the man in half, and Kiya cooked him like a traditional Grunt methane-burger just to be sure. They left his body, heading out into the night.

"Look! An evening-members-only area! Or is that 'nightclub'? Cursed beast," the SpecOps Leader grumbled, tapping his translator in an annoyed fashion.

"We must investigate this 'nocturnal primitive beating weapon'!" Shelley said eagerly.

"Agreed! To the Beating Weapon!" the Arbiter bellowed. They ran inside.

**Fshhh...Signal Regained...**

The Arbiter and Shelley walked around uncomfortably, jostled by people dancing to a low, pulsing beat.

"What in the name of the Sacred Rings is going on here?" Shelley asked Kiya'Gradolee when she saw him shoving his way over to the Arbiter and his girlfriend.

"I am unsure. These Humans appear to be moving around in a strange fashion to incredibly awful music. This music doesn't even have regular, soulful notes; what makes it worse is that it isn't plainchant!" the white Elite growled.

"I kind of like it," the Arbiter remarked, tapping his hoof.

"You always were a little strange..." Shelley teased, stroking his neck with her mandibles. The Arbiter twitched his mandibles in a grin and proceeded to begin stroking her face with his mandibles. She returned the gesture and threw her arms around his neck.

"Oh, get a room!" Gradolee grumbled. He motioned for the camera to follow and wandered over to the bar.

"What can I get for ya?" the bartender asked, walking over the Elite.

"Beg pardon?" Gradolee asked, inclining his head.

"You wanna drink, buddy?" the man repeated.

"Sure. What do you have?" the white Elite inquired.

"Well...scotch, beer, whiskey...you name it, we got it," the bartender replied.

"Hmm...I'll try some of this whiskey," Kiya shrugged. The man nodded and poured the Elite a shot glass of it. Kiya'Gradolee frowned at such a small amount and downed it in one gulp and blinked.

"This is rather mild. Do you have anything stronger?" the SpecOps leader inquired. The bartender chuckled and said, "Let me fix you the special."

"Alright," the white Elite shrugged. The bartender ducked below the bar and set a tall glass, a bottle of scotch, and a bottle of beer on the bar. He rummaged around and placed a can of gasoline on the bar, too. Then, he went into the back room and came out with a blowtorch and a blender, along with a lime. He emptied the beer bottle and put half the bottle of scotch into the blender, then poured a solid amount of gasoline into the blender.

"How very intriguing," Gradolee noted to the camera, "Are you getting this?"

"Hang on to your hat!" the bartender grinned, spraying fire into the blender. A gout of flame leaped out of the blender. The bartender quickly poured it into the tall glass and slid it to Gradolee.

"Drink up before it burns," he grinned. The Elite nodded and chugged it.

"How amazing! Fix me another!" the white Elite gasped. He turned to the camera.

"Go film the Arbiter, would you? We need some hands-on footage," the SpecOps leader remarked, shooing the camera. It clicked and turned around, buzzing towards where the Arbiter and Shelley were. The two Elites were now dancing to the music, eyes closed.

"This music is scintillating," Shelley murmured.

"Quite," the Arbiter replied, running a hand down her face. Suddenly, the music changed, and the beat was quick and pulsing. The Arbiter and Shelley danced so close to each other that their bodies nudged and rubbed against each other.

"How interesting...I have never danced in such a manner," the Arbiter remarked.

"Indeed. Such a dance is almost like two stones grinding together. We should call it such," Shelley agreed.

"Yes. Gradolee will be pleased that we discovered a new way to dance: Stoning," the Arbiter said. He took Shelley's hand and led her through the crowd to the bar. They found the SpecOps Elite at the bar, face-down. Twelve empty glasses surrounded his head.

"This your pal?" the bartender asked, motioning toward the white Elite.

"Yes. What has happened to him?" the Arbiter asked worriedly.

"He's dead drunk. You should take him home," the bartender shrugged.

"'Dead drunk'? I am not sure I understand? Someone drank his spirit, and now he's dead?" Shelley asked, scratching her head.

"No, he's drunk! You know...intoxicated, wasted, smashed, pissed!" the bartender rolled his eyes.

"Right...of course he is. ...We'll be leaving now," the Arbiter let go of Shelley's hand and hoisted the SpecOps leader over his shoulder.

"Mmm...rainbow Grunts with Fuel Rod Cannons doing a party...plainchant guitar solos...flashing purple ships in the blue sky..." Gradolee muttered, giggling. The Arbiter and Shelley looked at each other, mandibles twitching. Their laughter was barely restrained. The two of them stepped into a cab and laid Gradolee between them.

"Where to, you guys?" the driver asked.

"This is a public transportation vehicle, correct?" the Arbiter asked. The cabbie nodded.

"You got it. I'll go anywhere in the Big Apple if you got the cash. Where to?" he replied.

"Umm...I read about something called 'Idea that a Clock represents Equilateral and Equiangular Quadrilateral'...it's supposed to be extremely magnificent," Shelley whispered.

"'Idea that a Clock Represents Equilateral and Equiangular Quadrilateral'? Don't you mean Time Square?" the confused cab driver asked.

"Yes, that's it! Let's go there!" Shelley smiled. The cabbie shook his head and drove.

**Temporary Lapse in Film...Signal Regained...**

"By the Prophets...look at this place..." the Arbiter gasped, stepping out of the cab with Gradolee over his shoulder.

"Hey! You gotta pay, buddy!" the cabbie yelled. Shelley flipped his car over and linked her arm with the Arbiter's. They walked out into Times Square and gazed around at the activity and neon lights.

"This is amazing...I can't believe the Humans have such complex centers..." Shelley whispered, leaning her head on the Arbiter's shoulder. The white Elite rested on the Arbiter's other shoulder stirred.

"Ugh...where are we?" he groaned. The Arbiter set him down and sighed as he looked around the populous, media-filled center of activity. Kiya'Gradolee shuddered as he gazed upon the multitudes of Humans.

"By the Prophets! This place is filthier than that room where the Grunts jammed a Jackal into a Fuel Rod Gun!" the SpecOps Leader shivered.

"Isn't it magnificent?" Shelley sighed. Gradolee gaped at her.

"You must be joking! This place is horrid! I demand we leave at once!" he growled. The Arbiter rolled his eyes.

"Can you tolerate it for a little longer?" he grumbled. The white Elite shuddered and put on a brave face.

"I shall. We must be strong in such turbulent times," he said. A Human brushed his shoulder.

"Daaah! I am unpure! Arbiter, hurry, we must return to the Phantom so that I can undergo the proper cleansing rituals, or else my soul will be weighted when the Great Journey begins and I will be left behind!" Kiya'Gradolee screamed, stumbling backwards. People had begun to stare at the trio of Elites.

"Hush! You're ruining our cover!" the Arbiter hissed.

"This is no time for 'cover', Arbiter, I can feel my soul rotting and eroding as we speak! Oh, the _agony!_ Wooooort wort wort!" the SpecOps Leader moaned mournfully. He fell to his knees.

"Oh, holy Forerunners, please have mercy upon my unclean soul! I know I have touched the infidel, but-" Kiya'Gradolee began.

"Oh my Jesus! It's a suicide bomber!" someone screamed, pointing at Gradolee.

"I think we should be leaving," the Arbiter said hurriedly, taking the white Elite's arm and pulling him along with the Arbiter and Shelley. Gunshots rang out, and two bullets stopped on the Arbiter's shields. They sprinted for the nearest taxi stop and dove into a taxi.

"The fairwort. _Now!_" the Arbiter growled.

"Wha?" the sleepy taxi driver began.

"I said, take us to the fairwort! _By the Prophets, DO IT!_" the silver-armored Elite snarled.

"Fairwort? Airport?"

"Yes, Airport! _GO!_" Shelley said as bullets peppered the back of the taxi.

"Oh, shit!" the taxi driver hissed as a bullet fractured his back window. He floored it, and twenty minutes later they were away from the raging mob that had suddenly started.

"That was close," Shelley sighed. The Arbiter nodded.

"If you hadn't been so foolish, Gradolee, that wouldn't have happened," the silver-armored Elite growled. The white Elite was too deep in prayer-trance to hear the Arbiter, however.

**Break in Film...Fshhhhh...Signal Regained.**

The Arbiter and Shelley were asleep on the plane. Gradolee was still praying devoutly. The Arbiter reached up and grabbed the camera, then turned it off.

**End Audio-Visual Recording**

**End Week One**

_A.N., Sorry about the loooong update! More chaps coming soon!_


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